Divorce is never easy, but for me any mention of this word always stung. I was 14 when my parents first told me they were getting a divorce. At that time, I felt like my whole world was falling apart. They had been fighting for a while, but I never thought it would actually lead to this.
When Life Changed Overnight
As a teenager, I was already trying to navigate the challenges of growing up and coping with my own new emotions. Life felt bright and wonderful before the divorce but when I heard the news, it felt like someone had switched off all the lights in my world. Suddenly, I was plunged into darkness and my future felt uncertain and overwhelming.
As I watched my parents begin the process of filing for divorce—the arguments started—over where I should live, who would get the house, and how the money would be divided. It felt like I was caught in the middle of a battle, with my life becoming just another thing to negotiate. I was filled with negative thoughts.
Blaming Myself in the Chaos
I pondered every night as I lay wide awake in my bed, often listening to my parents argue and unable to sleep. Thoughts of, “Am I the reason why they are getting divorced?” “Who should I choose to live with?” “If I go with mummy, will daddy get angry?” “Why can’t I have a happy family like my friends?” – repeated over and over in my head.
People would tell me to stop trying to fix the relationship, telling me sometimes “divorce is the fix” and “my parents would feel better after this”, but who is going to fix me – who is going to help me feel better? I was left like broken fragments of a glass vase, and no one was there to put my pieces back together.
Jealous of What I Lost
Then came the anger. It felt as if the divorce had turned my world upside down. My family was no longer one, and I was the remnant left behind of a failed marriage. I was the burden on both my mother and father, a constant reminder of the person they no longer wanted to see.
As if being a teenager and trying to fit in wasn’t hard enough, the divorce made me painfully aware of how different I was from everyone else. I would look on at other perfect families with jealousy. With the stigma around divorce, I didn’t know how to talk to my friends about it.
They all seemed to have happy families with parents who loved each other—why would they understand what I was going through? I blamed my parents for what they did to me – my studies suffered, I got into trouble at school, I argued with my parents, I withdrew from friends and I stopped enjoying the things that I used to love. I felt as if nothing mattered anymore.
We all know that divorce is an arduous process that affects not only the parents but also the children greatly – and many times, the teenage children who start acting out. But here’s the thing – instead of recognising these behaviours as cries for help, they sometimes get misinterpreted by parents as typical teenage defiance. As a result, these teens often end up being overlooked, dismissed or over disciplined.
This creates a damaging cycle—teens act out because they are hurting, but instead of getting the support they need, they are ignored or disciplined, which only deepens their sense of isolation. As teenagers are not young children, they often feel pressured to pick themselves up after the divorce.
However, what many parents do not realise is that their teenager is also trying to process the grief of losing the family that they once knew and this rebellion is often a mask for pain and confusion.
It is essential for parents to recognise that while divorce affects everyone, teenagers experience it differently and they need to approach their teen with sensitivity.
They are at the point of the time of their lives where they are already struggling with their identity, puberty and peer pressure. The instability and anxiety of divorce will only amplify their stress.
Read more: The Effect of Divorce on Children – An Age-by-Age Guide
How Can I Help My Teenager?
Acknowledge their Emotions
: The first thing to do is to recognise that your teenager’s sudden rebellion likely stems from a place of hurt, confusion or fear. Rather than dismissing them or scolding them for “causing you more stress”, try to understand why they are behaving this way.
Sit them down and speak frankly with them. Create a safe space for them to speak to you and be patient with them as they may need time to be able to speak to you – share with them honestly how you feel and let them know it is okay to feel angry or sad about the divorce.
Be prepared to listen without judgement or interrupting. The goal is to make sure that they know they can come to you whenever they are ready. Being present for your teen is important and it can open the door for healthier conversations. This may even help deepen your bond with them.
Read more: Understanding Divorce from a Child’s Perspective
Avoid Blaming the Other Parent
: It may be tempting to “vent your frustrations” in order to align the teen with you, but by criticising the other parent, it can put the teen in a difficult position.
They may feel pressured to pick sides or they may even feel like they are the reminder of what you hate (especially if they look like their other parent). Keep your conversations focused on your teen’s well-being and how you can help them manage their anxiety and stress.
Read more: 7 Keys to a Peaceful Divorce
Set Boundaries
: It is also important to address their rebellion and let the teen know that while their emotions are valid, acting out is not acceptable – especially if they are hurting themselves or others.
Be calm but firm when setting expectations for their behaviour, letting them know that these boundaries are for their safety and well-being and not simply to punish. It would be even better if your co-parent could similarly enforce the same boundaries.
Read more: Achieving The Right Balance In A Co-Parenting Plan
Help Them Learn Coping Skills
: Guide your teenager toward healthier and more constructive ways to deal with their emotions. Encourage them to return to activities they once enjoyed, whether it’s sports, art, or other hobbies.
Joining them in these activities not only gives them a chance to rediscover what they love but also helps them feel supported. These moments can provide a break from the stress, offering them a sense of normalcy and control during a time when everything feels uncertain.
By engaging in familiar, enjoyable pursuits, they can start to manage their emotions in a positive way.
Read more: 7 Ways to Help Children Cope with Separation & Divorce
Consider Professional Help
: If the rebellion becomes too overwhelming or if you notice your teen withdrawing significantly, isolating themselves, or engaging in harmful behaviours, it’s important to seek professional help.
Don’t wait to address these warning signs. A therapist or counsellor can provide your teen with a neutral space to explore their feelings without judgment. They can teach your teen healthy coping mechanisms and help them process the emotional upheaval in a constructive way.
Professional support can be crucial in preventing further emotional distress and helping your teen navigate the complexities of divorce in a healthier way.
We’re here for you
Ms Gloria James is a trained Parenting Coordinator Lawyer with extensive skill sets in Collaborative Divorce, Mediation & Negotiation for high-conflict divorce nvolving children.
