What Divorce is Not – The View from a Marriage Counsellor

Pre Divorce Strategy

Are you in the process of getting a divorce?
Do you feel vast amounts of anger and resentment?
Do you want the divorce process to be a way to teach your partner a lesson?
Are you just waiting to be able to go to court and tell the judge all the horrible things your partner has done to you and how they have hurt you?

Unfortunately, in most cases, this way of thinking not only leads to high-conflict divorce. Divorce is not a platform in which somebody can finally air their grievances and meet out punishment for the injustices they felt during their marriage.

The court is a legal system that views divorce as a way of comparing it to dismantling a business. As a result, the divorce has no tolerance or patience for hearing about grievances, injustices, or feelings.

Expectations of Your Marriage

The thing to remember is that marriage is entered into voluntarily, and it is a choice. Unfortunately, sometimes, expectations of what marriage can and cannot provide, what their responsibility is and most importantly, actually seeing who the person they marry is.

As the months and years go on, people realize things they thought were temporary issues are permanent conditions. People don’t change after marriage, having children, or with time. Unfortunately, not understanding this can often lead to vast amounts of hurt and resentment.

These are usually the result of poor boundaries existing in the individuals and the relationship and other poor relationship and mental health skills.

So, unfortunately, in some cases, divorce is the outcome and accumulation of poor boundaries, misunderstandings and thinking the other person will change.

Therefore, leading to vast amounts of resentment, anger and accumulated debt. The painful reality is divorce is not a way of reclaiming those lost years or lost pain.

Punishment is Not the Answer

Trying to use divorce to punish your partner, exact revenge or somehow soothe your hurt for the years of a painful marriage will only damage you more and cost you more money during the divorce process and drag out an even more difficult and painful process.

Divorce is a very cut and dried procedure in which a couple decides to unbundle and uncouple their marriage. This involves division of assets and, if there are child custody, care & control arrangements.

‘Divorce cannot help you seek revenge, punish your partner and right the wrongs of years of a bad marriage.’

It will make it much harder to move on and build your own life. However, suppose you feel that these are why you are getting a divorce. In that case, you may benefit from seeking therapy to help you address the hurt, anger and boundary issues that produce this.

It’s very painful to realize that maybe a decade or more of your life was spent in a relationship that was not fulfilling and hurtful. The best way to deal with those feelings and reality is through therapy, not through a divorce.

Seeking Help

Divorce can be a vehicle to help clean up bad choices, hurt and set the course for a new happy and fulfilling life. Therapy can help you deal with those feelings, not divorce.

Divorce is designed to help couples ideally amicably dissolve their marriage, divide their assets accumulated during the marriage and figure out how to do co-parent.

Suppose you would like help dealing with your feelings of anger, bitterness, hurt and resentment. In that case, this is where therapy can be very effective and help you.

All in the Family Counselling Centre has been providing therapy for just under two decades. We are one of the oldest, most comprehensive therapy organizations in Singapore.

We provide a wide range of services, including our www.mynewbeginningsclub.com portal, therapy available seven days a week, retreats, and intensives to help couples reconnect and find themselves.

We also provide educational series. If you would like to find out how therapy can help you with the emotional aspect of divorce and develop your life, contact All in the Family Counselling Centre at +65 9030 7239.